Current residence: same and in infamy

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness:  Four reasons:

1. All-you-can-eat Orange Gold from the Bering Sea (which, in turn, usually reminds me of the hotness that is Captain Sig Hansen of the mighty F/V Northwestern screaming about the crab count and generally turning me on like it's his job)
2. All-you-can-drink beer
3. Seeing my junior year honors American lit teacher who is a HOT PIECE
4. I almost always get laid afterward, and this year was no exception

The Crab Feed is an annual fundraiser for my high school's Booster Athletic Fund, and I am so smitten with it that I fly 3,000 miles every year just to attend.  The Feed is such a must-attend that literally you have to wait for people to die to get tickets.  Luckily, my mom has had a table for 18 secured since the 80s.  Therefore I am fortunate to reap the benefits of my family's connections.

In addition to the fact that I have a virtually limitless appetite for crab, beer, and the teacher who taught me to appreciate Hemingway, the Crab Feed is a veritable cornucopia of ass-getting for me.  As I've shamelessly bragged about mentioned, in years past I've banged former high school classmates and had threesomes after the Feed.  This year we actually left the event to bar-hop without picking up any obvious sex partners.  Fortunately, Morrissey'sHair and HotLawyer brought along one of their law school friends, and I racked up yet another lucky barrister on my list of conquests.  I'm sure the Jesuit priests who run my high school are very, very proud to have produced an "educated for life" graduate like myself.  As usual, the Crab Feed is awesome in every possible way.  I already can't wait until next spring. 

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# posted by Razzy @ 11:24 AM 0 Comments Links to this post
 

Daily Douchebag: ME again and as usual


Name: Razzy

DOB: November 17, 1978

Occupation: liking children against my better judgment and my inherent instincts

Hometown: Puyallup, Washington

Current residence: Puyallup, Washington until tomorrow

Douchebaggery: Yesterday, I visited my friend M-Boner so I could meet her new baby.  My other friend from high school, Bostonphile, came over with her new baby, too, so it was baby central.  At some point, my friend TAFKAMA called me to make a lunch date for today, and I mentioned that the babies were cute.  

"Are you kidding?  Babies suck," he said.

"Yeah, well M-Boner's kid is well-behaved and seems to like me," I replied.  This is true.  M-Boner's baby woke up and started fussing while M-Boner was on the phone, and I went to pick her up and she not only stopped crying, she immediately grabbed at my boobs.  Wouldn't be the first time a cute girl has tried to put her mouth on my titties, but that's another story.

"Your icy child-hating heart is melting!" TAFKAMA exclaimed in alarm.

"Well, I'm like M-Boner's sister, so that sort of makes her baby like my niece," I replied.  "I guess I like her because she's more like family."

"You should douchebag YOURSELF tomorrow for liking babies," he said scornfully.

So, here it is.  Despite the fact that I continue to hate kids in general and on principle, I now know there are at least two I don't loathe.  Plus, I taught M-Boner and Bostonphile's kids how to say "motherfucking cocksucker" and "lick my twat."  Well, they at least seemed amused while I was telling them.  They're only three months old, so they're not quite as adept at cursing as I would hope yet, but I expect they'll grow into it.  M-Boner's baby really loved it when I was bumping "Double Up" by Robert Sylvester Kelly in my parents' Prius.  I expect that once she learns to talk, the first words out of her mouth will be either "one in the bed, one in the chair, one massage my toes while one braids my hair" or "it's three's company, bitch, call me Jack Tripper."  That's my kind of kid.